i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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