we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
