I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
