I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
