I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
