Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
