I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
