Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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