is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
