I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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