Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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