you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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