I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
