2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
