my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
