So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Someone shit on the floor
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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