you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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