fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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