he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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