and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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