I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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