nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize