Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
