My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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