I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's official drugs can't kill me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
