last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
