Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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