Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
