you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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