i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize