Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
