As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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