my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
