Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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