Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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