you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize