I feel like I'm in dance class right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
