found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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