Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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