I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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