i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
