and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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