I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
