I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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