There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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