mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
