I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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