He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
