At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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