did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
