Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my poor anus
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
