You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
