Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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