She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
