I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
