There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
