im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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