Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
