We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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