Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
