non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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