I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
