She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
