Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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