I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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