two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
